More Than My Own Life
by WillowPeakes
Summary: The Volturi did not stop and they did not listen to what Edward and Bella had to say. This is the story of what happened afterwards, when Jacob and Renesmee ran for it. Post BD, Canon. M for Lang/Lemons, later on. Dark themes as well.
1. Prologue: Seven Years Previously

**Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I don't own Twilight. What I do own? An open book about Western Civilization for the test that I'm supposed to be studying for, but I'm not. **

**A/N: This is what I think would have happened if the Volturi hadn't stopped. It's rated M for lemons and language, though the lemons won't happen until later chapters. Enjoy!**

Prologue--Seven Years Previously

Jacob's POV

"You're the only one we could ever trust her with. If you didn't love her so much, I don't know if I could bear this. I know you can protect her Jacob," Bella said to me quietly her amber eyes looking straight into mine. If she were able to cry, she would have been. How did she know? Was this what she had been doing when she went on all of those trips? Arranging a way out for Nessie and me?

_What? _I thought and Seth's, Leah's Quil's and Embry's voices in my head echoed my thoughts as they heard what I heard and saw what I saw. I shook my head and butted it against her shoulder, _No, we are going to win this Bella. _I thought even though she couldn't hear me.

When she had whispered in my ear that I was supposed to run with Ness, my heart froze and I was still in shock. Frankly, I didn't know if I would be able to run at all. My heart rate sped at the look of grief that was on Bella's face. Nessie's fingers intertwined tightly in the fur on the back of my neck as I began to feel like my legs were going to give out.

"I know, I love you to Jake," Bella said in her bell like voice that sounded like wind chimes. A sob shuddered in my chest and a fat tear leaked out of my eye. It hurt more to cry in this body, than it did my human one. Edward leaned his head against my shoulder, instead of shaking him off like I would have, just seven months ago. I wished I were human so I could embrace him back. I wished I could do anything than just stand here and whimper.

_Jake, we love you, _I heard my pack say in unison, _We'll make it safe for you. We'll take every last bloodsucker down so that you and Ness can be safe. _

_I love you man, if you ever come back, tell Claire how much I loved her and how much I'll miss her._ I choked, we knew that the grief from the imprinter was enough to kill him, but what would it do to the Imprintee. Claire was so young, would she ever remember. Would I ever be able to come back? I tried to stifle those thoughts so that Quil could retain some hope.

_Jacob, _Sam's voice rang in my head, _Run my brother. We are behind you in this decision. If they will not stop, we will make them stop. _I nodded, _Emily understands, so does Kim, and so does your sister. Be strong for them and come back when it is safe, if it ever is. _

Why did they deserve to die, but I could get away. I wanted to stay and I wanted to die with them. But the small girl on my back gave my hair a tug and I knew that was impossible. I could not let Nessie die. I trembled just thinking about it.

"Goodbye Jacob, my brother, my son," he whispered to me. Gut wrenching, that was the only word to describe the look on Edward and Bella's face right now. I heard the other murmured good-byes that were occurring all around me. I couldn't stand it. This body was not equipped for human emotions.

_I'll take care of her I swear. I promise Edward, I'll look after like you would. _He nodded and I knew he understood me. I wished there was someway I could say a better good bye to the first girl I had ever loved. But there wasn't. I stared at her back and she embraced her husband. It had just gotten okay between us, we were supposed to have time to become best friends again, or even better best friends than we were right now.

It started then. They didn't even follow protocol just like the creepy bloodsuckers had predicted. The huge vamp, Felix, came charging out of the ranks, following some unknown signal and his fellows followed him. I wanted to tell Ness to close her eyes, not to watch. But at that moment, Leah yelled in my head_ Run Jacob! Run! _I saw then that the fight had broken out.

Demetri, or whatever, was charging towards me. Emmett flew out of nowhere as I backed up shakily and he was on him and their dance began. I stared at Emmett and he nodded at me. I never really got to know him, I bet we would have been really good friends. Emmett's big hands came swinging around like lightning and Demetri lost an arm. I looked away not being able to watch, I didn't want to know who would win that one.

I turned my back and ran as fast as I could from the melee before anyone else could come chasing after Nessie. The keening, screeching, sound rang in my ears and I knew that I had to get away from it before that was the only thing I could remember. I had to get Nessie away from it because I didn't want her to be scarred with these memories for the rest of her life.

"I love you Mama!" I heard Ness cry out in her high voice and my heart thudded in my chest. She was the most important thing to me right now. I felt two voices leave my head violently and I shuddered. Quil gone. Embry gone. I needed to get out of here. The muffled yelling in my head told me that the rest of my pack was on it's way out as well. I swallowed back the bile that was in my mouth. I didn't want to be anywhere near here when that happened, because I don't think I'd be able to stop myself from turning around and joining the fight.

"I love you Nessie!" I heard Bella cry back, before a gurgling sound ripped from behind me cutting off Bella's last word. I heard Edward cry out in pain and agony and then his screams were cut off too. They were gone, and she had to watch them go. My mind was made up right then and I ran as fast as I could out of the clearing.

I kicked it into over gear once I hit the woods and I ran as fast as I had ever run while Nessie sobbed into the fur on my shoulders. I wouldn't stop until I had gotten to the airport, and like Bella said, we would figure it out from there.

**A/N: Soooo that's it, I hope you enjoyed the Prologue. Let me know by Reviewing! It would mean the world to me. :)**


	2. Trying to Forget

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, though I wish I did.**

**AN: Just an FYI…If you are under the age of 18, or illegal activities make you uncomfortable, leave now. This is rated M for a reason, dark themes ahead, drug use and profanity.**

Chapter 1—Trying to Forget

Jacob's POV

The alarm that was on my bedside table blared and I rolled over groggily. Another new day, how hard would it be to survive today? Blearily I looked at the clock and the big red numbers read 10:00. Great, Ness would be at school, which means I had time to roll a joint and smoke it and then have the house cleared of the smell before she got home.

I yawned and rolled myself out of bed. My head throbbed, man I was fucking trashed last night. A wake and bake was definitely in order, it would be the only way to get rid of this pounding headache.

I looked out of my bedroom window into a beautiful sunny day. I squinted a little as the sunlight assaulted my sensitive eyes. The penthouse was really worth the money because of the great view that I had facing the mountains. I went to my bureau were I kept my secret stash of liquor and I poured myself a generous helping of whiskey. I was not shocked at all that I was opening a new bottle. Sometimes, because of how hot I ran, I went through a bottle a day, just to keep me buzzed. I stared out of the window again as I threw it back. The sun was almost the color that Bella's eyes were before she died. I stopped that thought right in it's tracks.

So, it's going to be one of those days. I poured myself another generous helping of Jack and threw it back. I stumbled into the kitchen and I fixed myself a glass of water. The last one had burned a little going down and I needed to wash it down. Drinking more helped with the hangover too. My mouth didn't taste like vomit like it did some morning so that was good. As I took a big gulp of water, I swallowed the lump in my throat that had formed with the thoughts of Bella.

"TV on," I spoke aloud and the plasma screen TV that hung in the living room of me and Nessie's place came on and blared some kind of music. I forgot that I had passed out watching MTV. I vaguely remember Nessie coming out of her room and dragging me to my bedroom and covering me up with blankets but I don't really remember anything else. I placed the bottle of whiskey down on our granite countertops and ran my hand against the smooth stone. Kind of felt like Edward's hand when he had…_stop right there Jake. You have to._

The one thing that I will say about those bloodsuckers is that they really prepared for the worst before that day had happened. A man named Jay Jenks had contacted me under the name that Bella had put down for me on our new passports.

"Hi, can I speak to Mr. Jacob Wolfe," he had asked.

"This is he," I answered shakily clutching Nessie to my chest in the living room of that house on Esme's Island. That was the only place that I had to go back then. Not anymore though, not after the conversation that I had had with Jay.

"This is about the Cullen estate," he had said in a voice that was filled with as much contempt and sorrow at the same time that it was hard to decipher exactly what kind of emotion he was trying to display. Was he jealous about all the money I was about to get? Or was he sad to see it go to me instead of another Cullen? I'll never know.

And that was the minute I became a multi-billionaire. The money that Mr. Jenks contacted me about was not the only money that I inherited from the Cullen's though. The Swiss accounts contacted me weeks later asking if I wanted to keep all of my money with them in order to gain more interest. Of course I complied. It was with that that I knew that I would be able to take care of Nessie.

Taking care of myself however, was another matter all together.

I walked over toward the black leather couch and flopped down. I reached in between the seat cushions and pulled out my stash. The finest bud money could buy. Now and then I splurged and treated myself to some premium Kush. I opened the drawer of the coffee table and pulled out my cigarette papers and my grinder. Nessie never went in these drawers, I'm pretty sure she didn't even know that they worked. A part of me knew that wasn't true, but another part of me wished it were true.

I placed a little bit of weed in the grinder and gave it a few twists before I set it down on the coffee table. I placed some of the ground up weed on to the paper and also put some keef into it. I needed to get really high, like belligerent black out high so that I would fall back to sleep until Ness got home. Or at least be able to be in a daze to pass the time. I was already having the worst day. Thinking about Bella for all of five seconds had punched a giant hole into my being. Maybe today would be the day that I gave up.

I put it up to my lips and licked the one side so it would seal and started rolling up the jay. When I was finished I set it down on the coffee table and looked at the TV for a second. How had I gotten like this? How had it gotten so bad that I had forgotten who I was? Was it because I couldn't go back to Forks? Was it because my pack was dead along with all of my friends? I couldn't bear to go back to La Push and look Emily, Kim, Rachel and Claire in the face knowing that I was the reason for all of their pain.

A hot tear spilled down my face and I wiped it away furiously. No. I promised myself years ago that I was done crying. That was when I turned to the booze. Bella had made me 25 on my driver's license. So that day after I had dropped Nessie off at school for the very first time, I went to the nearest liquor store to make all of the pain I was feeling, go away.

I tried rum, scotch, vodka, but I settled on whiskey. As it burned down my throat, so did all of my feelings. When we had moved to Sunny LA five years ago I turned to the drugs. I never did anything harder than weed. I couldn't shirk all of my responsibilities. I might as well be a parent. Those first two years were the hardest because I had nothing to take away my pain.

My pain had been doubled because of Nessie's pain. The first six months, she didn't sleep. She was too afraid and I was afraid to let her sleep. I was afraid to leave her side because she was so grown up, but so small at the same time. I was helpless and I had no clue what to do. She got older though, not as quickly as it had been in the first three months of her life and we could tell that it was slowing.

I thought it would be a good idea to enroll Nessie into some sort of school so she didn't sit at home and wallow all day, and so she could make some friends that weren't me so we moved to the last place that they would look for us. Los Angeles, California. She went to school and she got older and it seemed that by the time she had turned six years old she stopped growing all together.

She wanted to be romantic around that time. But, I wasn't in the mental state to handle it. Shit, I still wasn't in the mental state to handle having a relationship. How could I be there for her when sometimes I could barely be there for myself?

I know what you are going to say; she's my Imprintee and all that nonsense. But until you have to watch your first love being beheaded in your Imprintee's memories, you don't know what pain is, or sorrow is.

I had tried, but once when Nessie and I had been making out on the couch, when I finally felt that I was up to the challenge of being there for her as a lover instead of a father and a friend. We had gotten past the point of return and I had carried her to my bedroom, her legs were wrapped tightly around my waste and my hard on was nestled against the raging heat of her sex. I had laid her down in my bed and crawled on top of her slowly entering her. I kissed her tears away as I took her virginity and we had started to make love. I didn't think there was anyplace in this world that I'd rather be than inside Nessie. At that point, I thought that I was going to get better because now I had Nessie to be there for me and we could be there for each other.

Suddenly, without warning, there was a car accident outside, a bad one. In one quick burst, after she had heard the screeching sound of the tires trying to stop and the bang as the cars collided, all the memories that she had been suppressing were thrown into my mind as she remembered them with her hand pressed to my cheek. I had gone instantly limp when she started crying. My world shattered around me, and since then my drug abuse and alcohol use had gotten worse.

I wasn't ready for her then and I'm sure as hell not ready for her now. I dug around in the same drawer for a lighter and I found one quickly. I put the joint into my mouth and lit it, puffing a few times so it would catch. I inhaled deeply and held my breath in four about ten seconds, the same way I did whenever I dragged off of a joint. Ten was enough for me to remember why I was doing this in the first place. Bella, Edward, Sam, Jared, Paul, Leah, Quil, Embry, Seth, Billy.

I breathed out in a quick gust my eyes already going out of focus from the high. _Damn this is some good stuff_, I thought as I brought the joint up to my mouth again_. _

**Hope you enjoyed. It would be sooo amazing if you reviewed so I knew whether or not I should continue. Or, if you have any suggestions for me! Also, I'm looking for a Beta for this story. If you are interested let me know please!**

**Xoxo Willow**


	3. Forbidden to Remember

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, though I wish I did.**

**AN: Looks like I'm uploading this for the hell of it. I would love it if you reviewed though. I've gotten a lot of favorites and story alerts but that doesn't really make me know what you really think which is ultimately what I want. **

Chapter 3—Forbidden to Remember

Nessie's POV

I stared blankly at the board while the teacher at the front of the classroom checked out my tits each time he paused in his lecture about inertia. Hey, at least someone was appreciating them. High school sucked. I was on a 12th grade reading level by the time I was three months old. This charade was getting old, but Jake said it was important for me to stay in school. Like he knew what was important anymore.

The dry ache in my throat that was turning into a slow burn made me wonder vaguely if Jake would take me hunting tonight or if it would be a solo trip. I guess I'd have to see how fucked up he was when I got home before I made that assessment.

"Miss Wolfe?" the teacher had asked me whether or not I had been paying attention. If I was a complete human, of course the answer would have been no. However, the vampire part of my brain had been paying attention while the human part of my brain was off thinking about other things.

"Yes sir, one of the major laws of physics is the theory of relativity," I said to him blankly. I made complete eye contact, but they only thing he was making was a tent in his pants. He should really attempt to look students in the eye. For all he knew I was underage and he was committing a felony. Stupid asshole.

I went back to my mindless daydreaming and I chuckled to myself lightly at something my mother had said to Jake a long time ago. She had told him that he needed to stay in school if he was ever going to keep up with me. Obviously, that never happened. He tried to keep the pain away from me but he didn't know how observant I was. He had been trying to hide the drugs from me ever since we moved to LA, I guess he thinks that I'm completely stupid or something, or that my vampire senses have dulled over the years. But they haven't, and he was an idiot for thinking anything like that.

A couple of nights ago I found the stash of premium Kush stuffed between the couch seat cushions and I shook my head at Jake, he should at least attempt to hide it somewhere where I didn't go often, maybe his bed would have been a better place to hide his weed. I sure as hell hadn't been there and it wasn't like I didn't want to either. I wanted to so badly that I thought I would combust from him not touching me.

Why do you stay with him, might you ask? Because, I know somewhere deep down inside is the man that I loved. My Jacob, and not this crude interpretation of Jacob that was boozed up and high, but My Jacob that I had played with as a child and who had raised me when there wasn't anyone left to do the job.

As beautiful as I was I could have anyone I wanted. My gold ringlets fell past my waist now, and the faint sheen that I got in the sunlight made people double take when I passed them. My brown eyes had gotten warmer with age, lightening up to be dark brown around the outside and becoming more gold into the inside, as if my body was interpreting both of my parents eyes instead of just my mothers.

I knew why Jake was like this. For so long he had to be the strong one for us. That first couple of years were unbearable and it hurts to even think about them. But then when I got older, I became the strong one as Jake began to deteriorate, first with the drinking after I had turned one and had the body of a ten year old, and then with the weed a year later after I looked like I was 12. I went to my first day of middle school, probably the cruelest day of my entire existence and when I came home, Jake was so drunk that he could barely stand up.

I had waited at the school for him for hours. Everyone laughed at me because I just sat there at the parent pick-up section waiting for him but he never came. So not only was I the new girl, but I was the new girl with shitty parents. Great, welcome to middle school Nessie.

I called him on his cell phone and he never picked up. Three hours I waited, wondering what was taking him so long. I waited until the parking lot was cleared of anyone, and then I picked up my backpack and started to run home. I ran at a normal human pace so people didn't think anything was wrong with me. I definitely didn't need to be the weird new freaking girl, with shitty parents, that could run like she had super powers.

When I had gotten to our apartment building and I rode the elevator up with the creepy elevator attendant I was so angry with Jake that for the first time in my life I didn't feel like any part of me was human. He promised me. He promised that I he would be there for me when I got off of school. This was his fucking idea anyway. If I had had it my way I would have taught myself everything I would learn from the fucking public school system but Jake had insisted that it was going to be a good experience to be around people who were my own age. Yeah ok Jake, I'm fucking two years old, these people are a good teen years older than me. Shit.

I had let myself into the apartment and the smell hit me like a ton of bricks. I had never smelled that smell before. It smelled like a skunk that had been set on fire and then ran over seven times by a Mack truck. I closed the door behind myself not wanting to let that smell out of the penthouse and raise suspicion amongst the other people who lived here. Not than anyone else lived up here but still. Damn that smell was rank.

I heard music blaring from Jacob's room. Some old school rap music by the sound of the beat. I knocked once, twice, and a little harder the third time to no avail.

"Jake! Jacob!" I had shouted attempting to get him to answer the door. With one little shove though I almost broke the door right off it's hinges and I stumbled into the room. Jake had been there, joint in had and a bottle of alcohol in the other, swaying around his room nodding his head to the beat. He didn't even notice that I was there.

"What the fuck are you doing Jake!" I yelled at him. He stumbled around drunkenly and stared at me with glazed over eyes.

"Ness! Get the fuck out of my room!" he shouted at me and he wobbled a little as he set down the booze. He put the joint up to his lips right in front of me and I knew he was too far-gone to really know what he was saying. My father and my mother for that matter would have ripped his fucking head off if they had, one heard me curse like that, and two seen him smoking marijuana in front of me.

"What are you doing?" I had yelled at him, disregarding what he had just said about me leaving his room. No fucking way, "Did you forget that you had to pick me up?"

"What the fuck do you think?" he sneered at me. This was not Jacob. I didn't know who this person was, but he wasn't Jacob.

"Jacob…" I had trailed off. He just stared at me and lifted the joint back up to his mouth.

"Leave Ness," he had said and I could hear the sob in his voice. I had turned away, turning my back on the man that Jacob was becoming.

The sound of the bell pulled me out of my memories and I gathered up all of my things and stuffed them into my bag hurriedly. I wanted to get the fuck out of this teenage wasteland. High school was even worse than middle school. If I were having a bad day, the smells alone in this place would overwhelm me and make me sick to my stomach. This girl was on her period and her boyfriend was going crazy not being able to fuck her. The smell of the estrogen pouring off of her and the smell of the testosterone pouring of him was enough to make me want to vomit.

"Such a sweet ass," I heard the teacher say as I passed his desk leaving them room. God, what I would give to gouge his eyes out of their sockets. I could do it to. Easily.

"Hey Nessie," a boy named Clay shouted as I walked out of this classroom. This kid was so annoying. I could smell the pheromones leaking off of his skin. In a way, they made my mouth water, but in another way they completely repulsed me.

"Hi Clay," I said trying to hide the annoyance in my voice. This kid was like a puppy. He reminded me of the Mike Newton kid that my mom used to tell me stories about. Clay didn't take no for an answer either, "Listen, Clay before you even start. I can't go out tonight, I have to finish that paper that Mrs. Johansson set for us," that wasn't exactly a lie. I still needed to print it out.

"Oh, ok, some other time then," he said disappointedly. I gave my head a non-committal bob and walked out the front doors of the school and towards my car. Please let me make it there without any more interruptions. I just wanted to be home and away from all of these disgusting teenagers. I clicked the remote control access on for my brand new, black, Volkswagen Jetta and I slid easily into the drivers seat.

I started the car and zoomed home, blasting the music as loud as I could to drown out everything I was feeling. I really hoped that Jake was coherent when I got home. Last night I had had to carry him off the couch and put him into his bed. He begged me to get into bed with him. He had kissed my neck and kissed me lightly on the lips. He would never remember what he did though, which was why it was wrong for me to stay in his bed. So I didn't.

If he pulled that shit today I was pretty sure that I would be unable to deal with it, let alone unable to give in to him. Yesterday had pretty much been torture. I had lusted after him a little bit after I had turned six years old last year. But, of course he had been unable to deal with loving me because, "I can't even love myself," he told me.

I pulled up in front of our complex and threw my keys to the valet Chuck. I walked into the building and nodded at the receptionist Lisa, she was really nice, except for the fact that she could never take her eyes of Jacob, and who could blame her. He had really come into his own. Gone was the air of a cocky 16 year-old bad boy with a chip on his shoulder. Jacob now gave off the air of a 23 year-old multi-billionaire with money to spend in frivolous ways. I vaguely wondered if he had fucked her. Tears pricked the corners of my eyes and I banished that thought.

I got into the elevator and Devin pressed the button taking me to the penthouse suite that Jake and I owned.

"Miss Nessie," he nodded his head to me, "How was your day at school."

"Devin, it's high school what do you think?" he chuckled at me. The doors opened and a faint hint of weed wafted from underneath our door. A ball of despair and anger wedged itself in my throat and I goodbye waved to Devin over my shoulder. I waited until the doors of the elevator had closed and I could hear the elevator retreating downwards to another floor. I put my key into the door not wanting to know what I was about to see.

"Ness!" Jacob yelled as I opened the door and walked in. I set my backpack down by the door and he ran up to me and picked me up, swinging me around in a circle, smelling strongly of whiskey and weed. He put me down and pressed his face into my curls and took a deep breathe, "You smell so good Nessie," he murmured in a voice that always set a shock straight to my nether regions.

"Stop Jake, you're drunk," I said and I pushed him away from me.

"I'm a little more than drunk sweetheart," he said chuckling. I clenched my jaw and I started walking towards my room, "I'm sorry Ness. It's just I woke up and I felt like, today was the day I wouldn't survive." He reached out and his big warm hand wrapped around my wrist. He pulled me towards him and wrapped his arms around my waist, "And you weren't here. I need you Nessie, I need you to make me remember why I'm alive," he plead with me and pressed kisses into my neck. The more rational side of me refused while the keyed up teenaged side of me was already naked and lying in bed.

"Jake, stop," I said as he nibbled on my collarbone, "You're wasted, you don't know what you're saying."

"No Ness, don't push me away. I love you, I need you right now," he must have been blacked out drunk or high or whatever. Normal Jacob would never have said anything of the sort.

"Cut it out Jake."

"Fine, bitch," he said and he pushed away from me, "Guess I'll just take matters into my own hands, like always," he shouted over his shoulder. He grabbed the almost empty bottle of whiskey off of the island in the kitchen and then walked to his room, well stumbled to his room, and slammed the door behind himself.

How had it gotten like this? A lone tear trickled down my cheek. How was I going to fix him by myself?

**(Gets down on hands and knees) I'm begging you to review. I will be the happiest girl on the planet if you do.**

'**til later loves,**

**Willow**


	4. Lean On Me

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, though I wish I did.**

**AN: Thank you, thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my heat for all the reviews I got (I know five isn't that much, but regardless it still means so much to me). I know sometimes when you are reading late at night it sucks to click the review button and to type out a comment, but to those of you that did I'm so freaking greatful.**

**To address some of the concerns, I just wanted to say that yes I know this strays from the norm and believe me I don't like Jake right now as a druggie and an alcoholic, but it sets up the dynamic of the story. When you had no one else to turn to, what would you do? He'll get better I promise, Nessie won't stand for it to be any other way. **

**So without further adieu, enjoy my lovely readers, I hope you leave as many lovely comments as you did last time, if not more. **

Chapter 4—Lean On Me

Nessie's POV

I tapped my pencil against my desk as I thought of a way to answer the question that my English teacher gave us for a paper topic. She had asked us about the most life changing experience we've had thus far. But I most certainly couldn't write about watching my vampire parents being torn to pieces and set on fire while the rest of my family died with them. No, that wouldn't be acceptable at all.

All of a sudden I heard the slamming of a door and the pattering of footsteps flying down the hallway. Then I heard another bang as the bathroom door flew open, that noises preceded the retching and splattering noises coming from the bathroom that was in the hallway. I got up out of my seat, quickly darting into the hallway. Jake had left the door open as he emptied the contents of his stomach into the toilet.

"Oh Jake," I cooed as I ran into the bathroom. I knelt on the ground next to him and rubbed his back as he continuously heaved. Right now he was heaving and nothing was coming up, but the heaves were so violent I knew that it wouldn't be that way for very long, "Baby," I said while I rubbed smooth circles around his sweaty back muscles. I felt so helpless.

"Water," he whimpered. I stood up in a lightning fast motion and flitted to the kitchen grabbing a glass out of the cabinet. I pressed the glass against the water dispenser that was built into the refrigerator and I ran back to the bathroom. I dropped back onto my knees and pulled Jake's head up, putting the glass of water up to his mouth. He took two big gulps of water before he put his head back into the toilet bowl.

I watched him as he let his head loll into the toilet and breathed heavily in and out. This was the first time that I had actually seen him like this, so helpless. He had never let his drinking or drug use directly effect me. But, I guess because he had camped out in the living room after I had gone to my bedroom, this was the closest bathroom. With a surge of remorse and anger I wondered, and guessed that the answer was yes, if this had ever happened before.

The anger surged through me and once again I felt like a complete vampire, instead of a half vampire, half human hybrid. In an instant I made up my mind. No more of this. I couldn't take it, and obviously he and his body couldn't take it either.

"Jake, you can't keep doing this to yourself," I said to him. My tone of voice was half stern and half loving. I didn't want to start another argument.

"I'm fine. I just got too high, it won't happen again," he mumbled into the toilet but I heard him perfectly, "You can leave if you don't want to see me like this," he said and he turned his head to look me in the eyes, they were cold and distant, "I was doing just fine without you here."

I recoiled a bit from his words. His eyes unfocused and he put his head back in the toilet and gave another heave. His vomit made a sickening splattering sound and his words seemed to reverberate in my ears.

"Stop saying things just to hurt my feelings," I said to him in a small voice. I wasn't surprised that it shook a little, "I know that you don't mean them."

"Stop being a bitch, you don't know a damn thing," he said, "Get the fuck out of here Nessie. I don't want you to see me like this," he said and he threw up again. He groaned and put his hands around the toilet like he was embracing it.

We sat in silence for what felt like hours, though it had probably only been minutes. He seemed to be a little better. He hadn't thrown up for a while. He spit into the toilet and then he pushed himself up and stood up. He stumbled a little, after all that he was still a little intoxicated. Must have been the weed.

I stood up too and stared at him. He pulled his toothbrush out of the cabinet and squeezed a little toothpaste on it before sticking into his mouth. He brushed his teeth feverishly as I stared at him.

"Yes?" He asked sarcastically, his black eyebrows raising.

"Stop fucking doing this Jake. You're killing yourself," I said. I was a minute away from bursting into tears. It took everything in me to hold my tears at bay.

"I wish I was killing myself," if I had been just human, I wouldn't have heard it.

"What?" I asked almost inaudibly.

"You heard what I said," he said and he looked up at the mirror and made eye contact with me, "Excuse me," he said pushing past me as the tears started to pour down my face. He stopped in the hallway right outside his bedroom door. He sighed and hunched his shoulders, seeming to have made his mind up about something. Without facing me, he said, "Look Ness, maybe you should find another place to live."

"What? Why?" I all but sobbed. My heart fluttered in my chest and it felt like I had missed a step. Just the threat of Jake leaving me was enough to stop it beating because in many ways, he was the only thing that kept it beating.

"This isn't a good place for you to be. Around me that is, you shouldn't be around me when I'm like this. Frankly, I don't know how to get out of this…so you shouldn't be around me at all."

"I love you Jacob, I'm not giving up on you," I said. I ran to him and I wrapped my arms around his waist. I pressed my face to his hot back and my tears dripped down his muscled shoulders.

"You wouldn't love me if you didn't have to. I don't even fucking love me," he said and he hung his head in defeat.

"I would Jake, I would love you. I do love you. I love you so goddamn much that I've waited this long to say something to you about letting yourself waste away," I cried harder than ever.

He turned around in my arms and wrapped his hands around my wrists and gave a tug and pulled my arms from around his waist. I thought at first that he was going to embrace me back, but I was disappointed. He gave me a hard look before he went into his room. I stood in the hallway dumbstruck.

I followed him but stopped in the doorway when I heard a rattling noise and the flick of a lighter. Then I heard the sound of someone taking a hit out of a water bong. _You have got to be fucking kidding me._ Now, I wasn't just upset. I was fucking pissed off. I stormed further into his room to see him sitting on his bed with his bong on his lap. He stared up at me and shook his head. Whether it was at him and what he was doing or me I didn't know. He put his lips to the opening of his bong again and lit it. He inhaled and his eyes flicked up as he pulled the slide out and inhaled completely.

"Seriously Jacob? Seriously?"

"What do you want from me? Huh? What do you want me to say?" he asked me. We stared at each other for a long time. He looked back down at the bong in his lap.

"I don't know Jacob. But I can't watch you do this anymore," I almost screamed at him.

"You just don't understand Ness."

"I don't—You've got to be fucking joking! I don't understand!?" I yelled at him incredulously.

"Yeah, that's what I just fucking said. You don't fucking understand. If you did you'd be packing your bags right now. Just leave me the fuck alone." I flitted over to him before he could even look up and I tore the bong out of his hands. I threw it against the wall and it shattered, "What the fuck!" he shouted in my face. His breath still smelled awful.

I pushed him onto his bed. This was going to stop now. For good. But before I could start yelling at him his bottom lip started to quiver and hot tears slid down his face. He put his head in his hands and started to cry in earnest. I sat down on the bed next to him and pulled him up so that we could both lie down together. This was the first time that I had been in his bed since God knows when. I pulled his head to my chest and his body shook from the force of his sobs.

"Shh," I said kissing the top of his head. I stroked my fingers up his spine, "Shh Jacob I'm here."

"I just can't do it anymore," he hiccupped, "I just can't. Everyday, it just gets harder and harder everyday and I can't do it anymore. I'm not as strong as I used to be."

"Do what?" I whispered.

"Stay alive," he sobbed back, "I think about it everyday how it could have been me and the more and more I think about it, I wish it had been. I hate myself for doing this to you. I was supposed to take care of you and we were supposed to be happy. But I'm doing a fucking awful job trying to be happy. I have to be happy with booze and drugs but as soon as I come down from that I'm not happy anymore. Then I'm even more unhappy that one you have to watch me do this to myself and two that I can't stop myself."

"Baby. We'll do it together ok? Starting now. I've been thinking, maybe it's time to go back."

"What?" he hiccupped and he looked up at me. I could get lost in his deep brown eyes. They were puffy and red right now, but deep down I could still see the man that I loved.

"I think we should go back to Forks," I whispered, waiting for his reaction. I braced myself for the explosion that was sure to come from him. I knew that I shouldn't have mentioned Forks. It probably wasn't safe to go back yet. But, on the other hand, it had been almost seven years. Why wouldn't it be safe to go back? Mama and Daddy would have wanted me to go back. I felt that the only way Jacob would get better was if we went back to the place where he had roots. We could see Charlie again too.

"I…I think you're right," he said.

It was my turn to be shocked. He agreed with me?

"Really? You think I'm right?"

"The only reason I think you are right is because I don't think I can be in L.A. anymore. Everyday I have pushers calling me trying to get me to buy their stuff. If I'm going to kick it, I have to be completely away from it," he said and he cleared his throat, "Plus, I love you too much to keep doing this to you."

"I love you too Jake," I cooed and I pulled his head up to my level and placed a soft kiss on his lips. He groaned a little and attempted to press his lips harder against mine, "Go to sleep Jake, we have a big day tomorrow," he groaned and chuckled pressing his face into my neck.

"Okay," he said. I kissed the top of his head and I slid out of bed, "I love you Renesmee," he said quietly as I walked out of his room.

"I love you Jacob," I whispered back. I closed his door behind me and I rested my back against the wall. I hoped to God, or whoever was out there, that this time I would get Jake back for good. I also hoped that I wasn't setting us up for disaster. Only time would tell.

**Lordy, whirlwind of a chapter. **

**Leave me lovely reviews, maybe I'll get another chapter up by Thursday :)**

'**til later loves,**

**xoxo **

**Willow**


	5. Feeling Sorry

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, though I wish I did.**

**AN: I know I know, it took me forever to get this chapter out. I just signed a lease on a new place and to my older readers you know how taxing moving can be. **

**Sorry for the length, I know it's short but I suck at reunion scenes. Especially initial reunions. **

**I hope you enjoy. Leave me comments, they inspire me to write. **

Chapter 5—Feeling Sorry

Jacob's POV

"So…" she started slowly as we drove through the Forks town limits, "Where to first?" She looked over at me from the driver's seat of the Jetta. I stared into her fierce brown eyes and for once since we had decided to do this, I got scared, "Your dad's house? Or Charlie's?"

"Uhmm…" I said hesitantly, I didn't think I was ready to see my Dad just yet, "I…Charlie's I guess. I'm not ready to go to La Push just yet."

"Did you want to drop some stuff off at the house or the cottage first?" she asked me in a quiet voice. I guess she wasn't trying to set me off. For the past three days I had been really on edge as I started to wean myself off of the drugs and alcohol. I had had a shot before we got into the car today, but just one. The fact that it was just one, probably explained the pounding headache I had right now. Even the sunglasses I was wearing weren't doing much for the sharp pain in my head.

"Let's just go to Charlie's first. Then if that is a disaster than we can at least escape to the house or the cottage."

"You can do this Jake. We can do this," she said reassuringly. She reached over and squeezed my hand tightly and I returned the pressure. _I can do this_ I reassured myself. I wondered if I could really do this. I wondered if I could be in the same place where I had almost kissed Bella, where I had lusted after her so fully. _I can do this,_ I chanted again. I vaguely wondered if her room would still smell like her, but I banished that though before it could fully implant itself into my mind.

We passed through the town's limits and my heart started to thunder in my chest, I wouldn't be surprised if there were a bruise on my chest because of how hard it was beating. Nessie could hear my heart and she squeezed my hand again. I gripped her hand hard, she was the only thing I had in this world. I smiled at her, and she returned the smile lovingly.

As we turned on to Charlie's street, and the police cruiser was flaunting itself in the driveway, the tears came.

"I can't…" I said quietly and the tears poured onto my face, "I'm not fucked up enough for this…" I muttered and I wiped angrily at the tears. If I were stoned I wouldn't feel like this.

"Jake," she said sternly, a hint of disappointment.

"Sorry, sorry," I looked out of the window at the little house, "Well, it's now or never," I said and I ran my hand through my hair. I opened the car door and got out. I stood up and stretched, trying to easy the rapid pounding in my chest. I felt like I might hyperventilate.

"Jake," Nessie said again and it made me turn around. She handed me a flash, "I know it's hard going cold turkey, so here's a little encouragement," the look of love and adoration on her face made my stomach hurt. She walked around the car and pressed the flash into my hand, "I love you. You can do this, I know you can," she whispered before she pressed her lips to mine. I responded and snaked my empty hand around her waist to pull her close.

She let me go and pulled away after a few seconds and the meaning behind her kiss, and the look on her face filled me up like the whiskey in the flask. I took the shot anyway and handed the flask back to her. She tossed it into the car and she took my hand into her small warm grasp.

"I love you," I murmured as we walked up the front porch. She looked over at me and smiled again, "I love you so much. That's the only reason I'm doing this." She nodded and with one hand she reached out to knock on the door. _Can I do this?_ I asked myself.

"One second," we heard a familiar voice call. Charlie's footsteps clomped across the wood floors and before I had time to turn around and run away he opened the door up.

"Hey Grandpa," Ness said sheepishly. Charlie looked from Nessie to me and then he looked back to Ness. He stepped forward and as a tear slid down his tired and worn face he pulled Nessie in for a tight hug. She hugged him back and buried her face into his neck.

"I thought you had died with the rest," he whispered. Ness turned her head to look at me. It seemed that Charlie was better informed than he had been when we had fled seven years ago. He released her and more tears were trailing down his pants. He looked at me and his expression remained the same though I thought I saw a flicker of anger. I must have imagined it though as he stepped towards me and embraced me in a tight hug, "How did you guys get away? Where have you been? It's been seven years," he said in a rush.

Before we could answer him, I heard the sound that I had been dreading, wheelchair tires on hardwood floors.

"Charlie? Who was…" my father trailed off as the door where we were standing came into his line of sight, "Jacob?" he whispered so low, that if I didn't have super hearing there's no way I would have heard him.

"Hi…Dad," I said awkwardly. A dozen emotions flitted across his face in a quick burst. His old face crumpled and he put his head in his hands. Charlie stepped aside and in a few quick strides I was on my knees with my head in my father's lap. The sobs came uncontrollably as my father's hand stroked my head and then my back as he tried to calm me.

We must have stayed in that position for at least an hour before I had cried myself out. I looked up at my father through my bloodshot eyes. We stared at each other and I could see myself in his face. Though I did look so much like my mother, my father was also represented. The relief that I felt being in my father's arms was much like the relief the drugs gave me. I felt like I could breathe a full breath for the first time in years.

"You look tired," he said and his dark eyes searched my face. I smiled a watery smile at him before wrapping my arms around his torso and laying my head against his shoulder as if I were six again.

"I am," I said after a minute.

"Let's go into the living room then," Billy said. I stood up and he wheeled himself into Charlie's living room. Charlie and Nessie were in there, and Nessie was holding a cup of tea in her hands, a beer in Charlie's hands. She grinned at me and there was so much love and adoration in her gaze it almost hurt me to look at her.

"Uh, let me get you two something to drink. Beer Jacob? You're old enough now right?" Charlie asked.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Ness stiffen. Her reaction was like a punch to my gut. I vowed right then that I would make up the past couple of years to her.

"Just water for me," I said, though the pounding headache was threatening to return.

"So, where have you been?" Charlie asked when he had returned. My eyes flickered to Billy's face and he looked just as intent as Charlie.

"Well," Nessie started, "A little bit of everywhere?" And so she began to tell our story while I stayed silent. I wished the water I was drinking was something else so this pounding headache would go away, but then I got angry at myself for thinking like that, "A couple of years ago we moved to L.A., and that's where we've been living up until now," she finished.

The two men who had been friends for as long as I can remember exchanged a look that displayed sadness and relief.

"But, Ness, it's only been seven years, how are you…well how do you look like an adult already?"

"Remember when Jake told you I was special?" Nessie said and she squeezed my knee at the memory. In the package that Bella had given us there was a note instructing Nessie and I to tell Charlie the truth when it was safe, "Well, Grandpa. I'm half vampire, half human," she said.

"I know," he said and he looked at Billy.

"You know?"

"You thought that in seven years I wouldn't hear the full story from someone? Billy told me that Bella had been a vampire, and then Seth filled in the other details."

"Seth?" I asked interrupting him. Did that mean Seth was alive?

"A lot has happened since you've left kids," Charlie said. Nessie looked at me with a worried dimple appearing between her eyebrows, "But we can talk about all of that later. Who's hungry?"

Charlie smiled at the two of us and kissed Nessie on the top of her head before he walked into the kitchen.

"Well, you two better get into the kitchen before Charlie burns down the house. Nessie, hopefully you inherited your mother's chef skills otherwise, we should order a pizza now. It's good to have you two back," he said and a wide grin that hinted at actual happiness spread across my father's face.

"It's good to be back," I murmured and for once, I meant it.

**Review if you please! I love love love them :)**

**xoxo Willow**


	6. Overcome

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, though I wish I did.**

**AN: Wow! I know right, a Chapter that you didn't have to wait almost a month for. I've been feeling kind of down lately so it was pretty easy to crank this chapter out. Usually when I'm in the same mood as my character's it makes it a bit easier. **

**I do not condone drug/alcohol use as a way to deal with your problems. As in the case of Lindsay Lohan, it obviously doesn't solve the problem.**

**All right girly whirls. Here ya are!**

Chapter 6—Overcome

Nessie's POV

The tension that I could feel rolling off of Jacob was almost tangible. His leg was jiggling up and down at blinding speed. I put my hand on his knee and he stopped.

We all sat around Charlie's tiny dining room table and the silence was deafening. I picked up the pizza off of my plate and tore a bite off with my razor sharp teeth. I had learned that if I pretended that the human food I was eating was some sort of animal, I could usually stomach it.

Jake had eaten at least half of the pizza that had been set in front of him, though if he were in a good mood, the pizza and maybe another one, would have been gone by this point.

"So…" I started, "Seth is alive?" I had to break the silence. I couldn't take it anymore. Charlie jumped a little bit, not expecting me to talk. Let alone be the size I am, I could feel him staring at me, however, when I would look in his direction he would turn away quickly, and his neck would flush bright crimson. I was glad that I had become averse to eating humans even though it still made my mouth water.

"Yes," Billy said slowly. Jake's leg started jiggling again, "Though, he wasn't left in…perfect condition," he said vaguely.

"He lost an arm in the battle," Charlie said unable to hold the news.

Jake swallowed audibly.

"An arm?" Jake choked out.

"Better that than his life," Billy said softly. Tears pricked the corners of my eyes and I started to gnaw on my bottom lip to prevent the tears from spilling over.

"Billy," Charlie warned. They gave each other significant looks and Billy nodded his head slowly, "Yes, an arm. When they came for him, he fled and buried himself underground until he felt that the coast was clear."

"And…the rest of the pack," Jake asked his voice hoarse.

"Seth is alpha now," Billy said shaking his head slowly, "There are only three wolves again though. Two youngsters on the rez, by the names of Ryan and Allen, phased shortly after the battle aftermath."

A lone tear trickled down Jake's face.

"Did…did anyone from my family survive?" I asked timidly. Their silence was answer enough. Tears welled up in my eyes and spilled over hot and wet down my cheeks. Charlie outstretched his hand and rubbed my back.

"I'm sorry kid," he said his voice gruff with emotion, "The Volturi, well they wiped a lot of people out. Though our side got a lot of them too." I nodded attempting to calm myself.

"Did Alice ever come back?"

"Yes, for a while, but she couldn't see you all I guess. She went to Rio but you all weren't there. Her and Jasper return occasionally to check and see if you all had ever come back Forks, but she just missed you all this time," Charlie said.

I exchanged a hopeful look with Jake. Maybe my family wasn't all lost.

"Claire? Emily? Kim? Rachel?" Jake rattled off the names of the Imprintee's who had lost their significant other.

"Emily has a son. She found out she was pregnant soon after the battle. Junior we call him, he's named after Sam, of course. Kim, well, Kim didn't make it. Rachel is coping, she moved back out to Seattle. Claire doesn't really realize what she's lost, there was a double imprint, complicated, but it does happen. Claire must have some strong genes, so the universe 'recycled' her for lack of a better term and Ryan imprinted on her," Billy explained.

"Didn't make it?" I asked, confused by that statement.

"She committed suicide."

"Oh," I whispered. That was news I wasn't expecting to get. It felt like my legs had been knocked out from under me.

"The loss of her imprint overwhelmed her and she wasn't fit to deal with the pain of loss on her own, so…" Billy trailed off. Jake nodded slowly. I felt that I understood how Kim was feeling better than I should. Jake's drug problem and the way that he acted on drugs, was close enough to losing him for me.

"Excuse me," Jake said and he got up from the table looking a little defeated.

We all watched as his back retreated up the stairs towards the bathroom. A little part of me thought that he was excusing himself to cry but another part of me assumed he was excusing himself to use. My stomach fluttered nervously at the possibility of him going into my mom's room. I knew that would be the deciding factor for whether or not he used tonight, whether it was drinking or the weed.

We all sat in silence while we waited for Jake to come back downstairs.

"Ahhh!" we heard him scream and I was up and out of my seat before Charlie and Billy could even react. A loud bang and a crash echoed overhead as soon as my feet hit the landing. My mom's door was wide open and I could see Jake standing in the middle of the room. He had sunk onto his knees and the bulletin board where my mother had kept all of her pictures was sitting on the ground. There were pictures of her and Jake, her and the rest of the pack, and her and dad.

"Jake…" I said hesitantly. I sank to my knees next to him and I put my hand on his back attempting to console him.

"Don't," he said and he shrugged my hand off of his shoulder. It hung in midair before I could overcome the shock from him shaking me off, "I just…I just need to get out of here," he said.

Before I could tell him to stop, and tell him not to go he was already peeling his shirt off of his pack and putting his legs out of the windowsill. He gave me one last tortured glance before he jumped out of the window. He was the great russet wolf before his feet well, paws, hit the ground. He bounded into the woods and vanished. I could hear his pained howling if I strained my ears hard enough but it faded quickly as he ran farther and farther away.

The strangest thing about being back in Charlie's house was the fact that there were people who moved at actual human speed when they didn't have to keep up with the charade. Grandpa was just making it to the top of the stairs as I gripped the wooden windowsill for support, attempting to gain control over the tears that threatened to spill from my eyes.

He rested his hand on my shoulder and pulled me into his side for a hug. The gesture was so unfamiliar and so soft it was almost startling. I turned my head into his chest, his scent made my throat throb in an appetizing way, but the familiar musky scent that lingered in Charlie's flannel shirts was overpowering enough to not noticed the moist way the vein in his throat sobbed with emotion.

Both of his arms, soft, yet strong at the same time circled my body. I didn't know I was crying until his hand moved from my back to my head. He stroked my hair and made shushing sounds.

"I'm so glad that you're home, I could just burst," he whispered as I whimpered and cried into his shirt. I hadn't cried like this since we fled to Rio de Janeiro. I always had to be there for Jake, I hadn't realized that I hadn't been there for myself.

All the emotions that I had been suppressing for the past six years came to the forefront of my mind and I felt myself going into hysterics, which scared me more than anything. If there was one thing I always had control over it was my emotions. My half vampire mind may not have been as vast as my mother and father's but I could still comprehend and deal with most things with ease, such as shoving every horrid feeling, every tear, every sob to the back of my mind. I had locked up and thrown away the key until this very moment. The scariest part was how great it felt to cry into my grandfather's chest and to be comforted by someone who had his head on straight.

I pulled my face away from his chest and sniffled and stared into his eyes, his eyes that were the same brown as mine, and the same brown as my mothers. Another wave of tears came and I retreated into his chest again. I guess Charlie figured out that I would be out of commission for a while so he pulled me over to the bed and sat down on the very edge. I curled up into his side.

"I-I'm sorry," I stuttered between sobs. This was really getting out of control, "It's, j-just b-b-been a long t-time since I've cried-d."

"It's ok, it's ok. We have all the time that you need baby," he said. He kissed the top of my head and the gesture was so full of love I started to cry even harder.

"It's b-been so h-h-hard with J-Jake and everything," I said, words spilling from my mouth without my permission.

"Shhh. We can talk about it later sweetie," he said, stroking my head. I nodded and burrowed my head back into his chest. Half of my mind was focused on how right this felt, and I assumed that this was going to be the beginning of the end of my grieving process. The other half of my mind was in the woods with Jacob. I hoped he was all right, and I hoped that he stayed clean though, those hopes were not very high.

Jacob's POV

My paws hit the ground in a rhythm that used to soothe my aching heart. One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. My large heart thudded in my chest and it felt like it was working in overdrive to pump all of my blood through my body. I was in so much pain it was a crapshoot as to which body would be better equipped to deal with it.

I could smell the boarder close. I knew I was on Cullen turf and I was hesitant to cross over to wolf territory because I was terrified in running into Seth. I paced back and forth on the line. I sat down on my haunches and drank from the river that separated the territories.

If I had been human my hands would have been shaking. I could feel the withdrawal creeping up on me. From my pounding headache to my dry mouth, I could feel the substance grabbing a hold of my psyche crying for me to use.

I shook my big wolf's head and snorted trying to ignore the call. I paced back in forth not knowing what to do. My dad had released so much information, and the way that he spoke to me. It felt like…was he blaming me for what happened?

Seth? Kim? I couldn't deal with it as a wolf. My shaped shimmered out of the animalistic form it had taken and I was sitting on the cold rocks butt ass naked. My hands shook, whether it was from the phase or from the withdrawal I was unsure.

I needed it. I needed to smoke, to drink, something. I couldn't do this anymore. It was too hard to be sober.

I slipped into my wolf again and ran through the woods. There had to be some teenagers smoking up in the woods or something. I knew if I scared them, they would drop their shit and I would be in the money and I wouldn't be aching anymore.

My thoughts flicked to Nessie and how disappointed she would be in me.

But, how the fuck did she expect me to react? I was fucking disappointed in her. The anger overwhelmed me and my frame shuddered and before I knew it I was on the ground as a human sobbing. I couldn't even hold my shape straight. I felt so broken and defeated that I stayed on the ground. I looked up at the canopy of mossy green trees that blotted out the sky all together. Tears fell from my eyes and slid down the sides of my face into my ears.

It was days like these I wished I had died with the pack. I lay there for an immeasurable amount of time.

"Jake? Jacob Black?"

**Sooo I hoped you enjoyed! Don't forget to review, they are the reason why I write! I love your feedback! If you do leave criticism make sure it's tactful, I don't deal with flames**

'**til next time**

**xoxo Willow**


	7. Reconciliations

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, though I wish I did.**

**AN: Hey pretty ladies. So, I've been feeling bummed out lately, lots and lots of drama on this end. So it may be Jake for a while because I can relate to what he's going through a little. **

**You know that I don't condone drug use/profanity. But, they are adults going through a rough time so if this offends you. Sorry. **

**Read on girly whirls!**

Chapter 7—Reconciliations

_Previously…_

_The anger overwhelmed me and my frame shuddered. Before I knew it I was on the ground as a human sobbing. I couldn't even hold my shape straight. I felt so broken and defeated that I stayed on the ground. I looked up at the canopy of mossy green trees that blotted out the sky all together. Tears fell from my eyes and slid down the sides of my face, into my ears. _

_It was days like these I wished I had died with the pack. I lay there for an immeasurable amount of time. _

"_Jake? Jacob Black?"_

Jacob's POV

"Jake is that you?" the voice asked. I blinked my eyes attempting to clear them of the tears that had collected. I turned on my side and looked up, squinting.

A tall man stood there, too tall to just be human. Long gone were the lanky build and the childlike innocence on Seth's face. He stood over top of me towering over me. I surveyed his body and a pang went through my stomach as my eyes drifted to the empty right hole in his shirt. The skin there was puckered and shiny, like his arm had been sucked backwards into his body.

"Seth?" I choked out, my voice sounding groggy and thick with sorrow.

"Oh my fucking God," he said. He ran his hands through his hair before extending his only arm out to me to help me up. I took it and he pulled me into a standing position.

I stood up awkwardly. My shoulders were slumped from the pressure of everything I was feeling. We stared at each other for a few minutes and I got a much better look at his face. It seemed weathered with stress and age. I did a quick calculation in my head and realized that gangly 16-year-old Seth was now huge, built like a man/alpha Seth.

The arm that he had pulled me up with was covered with tattoos. He had a full sleeve, in addition to the ceremonial Quileute tattoo that we all got once we phased. Underneath the tribal circle that matched the one on my arm there were the words "Never Forget" written out in our native tongue. Directly underneath that tattoo was a portrait of a wolf howling at the moon, expertly done in black and white, the sorrow on the wolf's face was so perfect, I felt like it was a portrait of myself.

There were other portraits as well on the rest of his arm. Faces of our family, my face, Edward's, Leah's, Sam's, everyone intertwined with the words, "Gone but never forgotten," and "Family" in Quileute. It was beautiful. It was the most beautiful piece of artwork I had ever seen.

"Hey Seth," I said awkwardly once I had finished surveying his arm.

"You have got to be fucking…kidding…me," he said before he rushed over and pulled me into a rib-cracking hug, completely ignoring the fact that I was butt ass naked. I hugged him back reveling in the warmth of one of my brothers. A glimmer of hope started to plant roots in my chest.

He pulled away and kept his hands on my shoulders just looking me in the face for an immeasurable amount of time.

"Dude, you look like…shit," he said and a wry smile twisted the corner of his mouth. He pulled me into a quick hug again. A hint of a smile ghosted across my unsure lips. The one armed hug felt tight as though he had two arms, but it made me uneasy. I couldn't help but think, _This is my fault, all my fault. I could've prevented this._

"I feel like shit," I mumbled into his shoulder.

"So…what are you…" he trailed off and once again used his remaining arm to run his hands through his hair. The puckered end of his shoulder was like a really bad car accident; I couldn't help but stare at it. He looked lopsided, but the smile on his face was the same reassuring smile that I had learned to love. I didn't understand how he could still be radiating and exuding this much happiness when there wasn't anything left in the world for us to be happy for. Our family had been torn apart and there was nothing I could have done to stop it.

I hung my head in shame. The hot tears overwhelmed me and started to flow freely down my face. My head was pounding and the crying wasn't making it feel any better. I needed to get my fix, but I had left all of my goods wrapped in a dryer sheet and shoved in a film canister in the glove compartment of Nessie's car.

"Jake…" he said and he took a step forward again, placing his hand on my shoulder. I shrugged him off. The contact was so warm and comforting I didn't deserve it.

"I'm sorry," I whispered so low it should have been inaudible.

"What the fuck for?" he asked. The fact that this whole conversation was taking place while I was completely naked didn't faze us in the least, no pun intended. I flinched a little at the slight anger behind his tone, knowing that I deserved a lot more from him.

"For not being there, for not helping you. For letting you down as your Alpha…" I said the list spilling from my lips.

"Stop…stop right there. Jake, before you blame yourself you should probably hear what happened. There's nothing for you to be sorry for, though you look it. Come with me, run with me, let's get you so clothing ok? I'll explain everything."

I had no choice but to agree. A morbid part of me wanted to know everything and another part of me wanted to feel the completeness of running with one of my brothers again, to share a mind with someone else, to relieve some of the pain that was consuming me.

I nodded and he darted off into the woods ahead of me already shaking. I flew into the forest after him and in a split second I was on four legs again. I caught up with the sandy brown wolf with easy. For only having three legs, he was still so fast. Instead of a fluid run though it was more of a gallop. I tried not to focus on it as I felt the familiar melding of minds

_Hey Seth! Holy shit! Jacob Black! _I heard an unfamiliar voice shout in my head. I felt another person in my head besides the one that had spoken. It must be Ryan and Allen.

_Phase out guys!_ Seth commanded in the double timbre of the alpha voice. It didn't affect me but it shook me just the same. There was that edge to fight him for the rights to alpha, but there was also the bliss of running with a pack again. I would be willing to let Seth be alpha.

Let _me be alpha_, Seth thought jokingly, _Jake, you've never stopped being my alpha_, he said and my chest filled with sorrow and pride.

_So were those the new pack members?_ I asked attempting to change the subject.

_Yep, Ryan and Allen, _Seth assented, _They're good kids, Ryan just graduated from high school, and Allen is starting his senior year. _

_And you? _I said recalling the conversation that we had had years ago about Seth staying in school because he had a life and responsibilities in La Push.

_Master's in Teaching, and a Bachelors in Secondary Education_, he said not bothering to keep the smugness out of his voice, _you are looking at La Push's very own History teacher_, he barked out a chuckle as we ran.

_Wow! So the straight and narrow for you_, I said, not really comprehending how easy Seth's life seemed to be.

_Ha!_ _Easy_, he laughed bitterly.

_I forgot what it's like to have someone in your head all the time_, I admitted when I was shocked by his response.

_Lucky,_ he said sarcastically, _So what have you been up to the last seven years, _Seth's said lackadaisically but the thoughts that coursed through my head at the mention of the last seven years brought him up short. He stopped abruptly and spun out in front of me a low snarl building in his throat.

I whimpered and my ears flattened to my head. He had seen it, all of it, the drugs, the alcohol, the mistreatment of Nessie and he was playing it back for me to see, making me feel more and more ashamed of myself by the second. It was worse to see it his way, the anger and the resentment.

_Really? Fucking Really Jacob? _He snarled at me. He threw his back and a tortured howl ripped from his throat. My head sunk to the ground and my ears flattened against my head. A low whimper escaped my throat at the accusation and disappointment that was flooding my thoughts.

I slowly shook my head back and forth trying to shake away all the disgust that was emanating from Seth's thoughts. I couldn't handle it. Not only was I feeling the same thing, but Seth's replay made the anger, hurt, and pain echo in my head like church bells.

_You…you don't know what it was like_, I mumbled lamely and his hackles pulled back in a snarl. A low growl slipped through his teeth.

_I…I don't know what it was like? Sit down and shut the fuck up, let me tell you what it was fucking like_, he spluttered angrily. His anger was so strong that the edict of the Alpha came through and pinned me to the ground. At this point, I didn't even fight it.

_Do you know what it's like to have a field of vampires charge towards you with bloodlust in their eyes? Well, let me tell you. It's god damn terrifying. Do you know what it's like to watch your family get decimated without a chance to say good-bye, or tell them how much you love them? To feel them fade out of your mind and know that they are gone forever? How about watching your own flesh and blood, your sister, get her throat ripped out by some reeking fucking leech? Do you know what that's like?_

_Do you know what it's like to watch a vampire that has been almost completely torn to pieces rip your arm out with their razor sharp teeth? Do you know what it's like to have your friend suck the venom out so that you have a chance to live? Then, that friend was so busy helping you that they couldn't watch their own back?_

_Have you ever had to drag your body to a vampire's house to seek shelter? To wonder who made it? And to go back days later and see the wolf carcasses and piles of ash in an empty clearing, and realize you are all alone in the world?_

_Did you have to bury your family by yourself, with one arm, to prevent scavengers from tearing apart their bodies, human and wolf? No I didn't fucking think so. _He replied when I flinched away from his words. But he wasn't done. A small part of me wanted to lunge at him to make him stop. But his mental berating was doing more good than any talks I had had with Nessie, or the whisky bottle for that matter.

_Did you have to deal with the aftermath of coming home and seeing the disappointed faces of four imprintees? Did you have to deal with their anguish when they realized that you were the lone survivor of that battle? No, you fucking didn't. So don't tell me I don't know what it was like while you were holed up with your booze and your drugs in your penthouse apartment, with your fast cars and the Cullen's money. Don't you fucking dare Jacob Black!_

He finished and he was panting from his anger. I was shaking with sobs that I couldn't cry in this body, my shape melted and I was on the ground in human form again. I heard the padding of footsteps as he walked away from me. I didn't know where he was going, but if he was leaving for good, I deserved it. He was right. My pain was nothing. But it still felt like everything.

"I'm so sorry," I said and I couldn't help but sob. I felt like such a pansy as bitch. But the combination of withdrawal and meeting all of my fears at once was overwhelming. Like being tossed into a pool of jell-o where the weight was more than I could bare, and there was no oxygen to inhale I felt like I was drowning in my own body. I felt a faint shimmer in the air.

"Jake," he said and his voice broke. I felt the flop of fabric hit my thigh. I looked up and I realized he had thrown a pair of cut offs at me. I pushed myself up with my forearms and saw that I was lying outside a little house that was too familiar to not be on the reservation, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have acted like that. But you shouldn't have been doing drugs either. You should have…well I mean you didn't know that it was safe. But…all that matters now is that you're home. Come on, get up, I'll get you something to eat," he said and he extended his arm out to me again.

I took it and hope began to solidify itself in my chest. Maybe with the help of Seth Clearwater, I would get my life back.

**Soooo that was it! Leave me reviews they inspire me to write. Until next time lovelies**

**xoxo Willow**

**Oh and I am looking for a BETA…so if you have a profile and are interested let me know in the comments and I'll let you know :) **

**Annnddd I'm going to try this new thing where I reply to your comments so if you have any questions! I'll attempt to answer them! It's the summer holidays after all :) **


	8. On the Mend

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, though I wish I did.**

**AN: So sos sosoosososo sorry that it took me this long to write this. I've just started my senior year in college so I've been working on Grad school applications as well as my Senior Thesis (ugh). **

**Buttt at long last here it is. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU for being the amazing readers that you are. I write for you :)**

Chapter 8 – On the Mend

Nessie's POV

Almost a week and a half had passed since I had talked to Jake, let alone seen him. The last memory I had of him was when he had flung himself out of the window and tearing out of sight in his wolf form.

The morning sun woke me as a chink of the golden light broke through the curtains in my room, my mother's room, where I was staying at Charlie's. I opened my eyes slightly and stretched before swinging my legs over the side of the bed and standing up. My throat burned with the morning thirst and I decided to do something about it.

I pulled on a tank top and a pair of running shorts that I had packed in my suitcase. My suitcase was currently lying open on the floor where I had left it when Charlie had brought it up stairs. I pushed my feet into the sneakers that were sitting by the door and moved at inhuman speed down the stairs.

"Hey kid," Charlie called out as I flitted past the kitchen. I had forgotten what it was like to live with someone who wasn't in a haze all the time, "Where are you off to?"

"Uhm…" how did you tell a human that you were going to go and hunt without weapons? Especially your human Grandfather? I didn't want to scar him or anything. I decided to test my boundaries a little bit more and finished my previous thoughts, "I'm going to go and hunt."

"What are you looking to hunt?" Charlie asked casually looking up at me over the coffee cup that he was lifting to his lips.

"I don't know…basic local game," I said smirking and rolling my eyes like a real teenager, "Elk…deer…" I chuckled.

"Okay. Are you going to go with Jake?" he asked tentatively, as if he knew something that I didn't know.

"No, I'm going by myself," I said and he nodded slowly.

"Alright, well…be safe," he said awkwardly knowing that I could fight a bear and walk away unharmed so humans would not pose much of a problem.

"I will Grandpa," I said and I gave a little wave over my shoulder at him before I ran out the door. I ran at human speed until I entered the forest and then I ran how it was natural for me to run, not as fast as my parents could run but I could keep up with them without too much exertion.

It took me a while to get deep enough to start to smell animals. There was a faint trace of wolf and I assumed that, seeing as the Cullens were no longer here, the wolf pack had broadened its border.

It felt amazing to run in the woods where I had gotten my start. Everything seemed so familiar and so safe. Running around in the Amazon did not feel safe. The tangles of ferns and the game were more vicious and terrible than the game around her. I let out an exultant laugh and put on a little burst of speed tearing through the woods like a speeding bullet. I let my legs carry me through the forest. I hadn't run freely like this in a long time.

I caught a whiff of something familiar coming from the sound east. The heavy but quick thudding of the heart, and the warm almost human smell made my mouth water. Carnivore. It almost tasted like human blood, but it had been so long since I had had human blood, I had all but forgotten the taste of it.

My strong legs carried me closer and closer to the smell of the big cat. I could see it now, but she couldn't see me. I slowed down and crouched my body, preparing to spring. She was laying on the ground basking in a chink of sunlight that had broken through the green canopy. I was going to take her completely off guard. I sank lower in my crouch and stepped forward. A twig snapped underneath my poorly placed foot.

She turned around to face me and I stopped dead in my tracks. He face was beautiful in the light. Her tawny fur surrounded bright amber irises. As I took in her beauty her expression immediately became hostile. I sank lower, almost completely on the ground and took in the surroundings. My heart stuttered a bit in my chest after I had completely surveyed the area.

Her cubs were frolicking in front of her and she hissed at me getting up to stand protectively in front of them. She smelled that I was an enemy. The littlest cub looked up at me and backed away, hiding beneath his mother. He hissed too, trying to show menace, but it broke my heart even more.

My stomach felt like it was made completely of stone, and I wasn't thirsty anymore. The image was too familiar. Except this time I was the stalking predator intent of tearing apart the life of this family.

I fled before the tears could come.

I should have paid attention to where I was running but I just let my mind go blank and let my legs do their thing. The woods became more and more familiar and I started to slow down. Consciously I didn't want to be here. But I think my subconscious must have had another idea. I slowed down as I walked into the clearing in front of the big white house.

It looked exactly how it had looked seven years ago. I walked forward slowly, unconsciously, and before I knew it my hand was on the doorknob.

I pushed hard, forcing the door open and breaking the lock. I didn't have the patience to get the key that I could smell hiding under the doormat. My breathing sped. The vampire smell had all but disappeared. It smelled dusty and moldy, though the sweet smell of vampire permeated the air. The scent rose in puffs as I stepped into the foyer. The house looked as though someone had been in recently to clean. Alice.

My breathing sped, I was starting to get overwhelmed, but I couldn't stop myself from walking further into the house. Before I knew it I was running my fingers up the wooden banister, leaving a trail of clean wood through the dust. If I looked into my father's room, I knew I would be able to recognize the fact that they were all gone.

Up and up I went. I walked past Alice's room, Rosalie's, and Carlisle's office. There it was, the door was closed. I knew opening the door would be pivotal. I regretted being her alone, but seeing as Jake was currently indisposed. I reached my hand out and put it on the doorknob. I took a few deep breaths before I turned the knob and pushed the door open.

It felt like someone had kicked me in the stomach. All the air went whooshing out of lungs as I saw who was sitting in the room.

Jake.

"Jake," I said quietly. He was sitting on the large bed with golden dressings with his head in his hands.

"Hey Nessie," he said. He was unsurprised that I was there. He stood up and before I knew it he was pulling me into his arms and we were crying with each other. He looked better and he looked clean. His eyes were not hazy as they had been before we had left LA. But, they weren't filled with tears like they had been when he had jumped out of the window, the last time I saw him.

"I love you," I choked and sobbed.

"I love you too. I'm so sorry. For everything," he whispered into my hair and I clutched him closer. I felt his lips press against my head and I squeezed him as tightly as I could, "Ouch careful Ness," he said and he laughed lightly in my ear.

"Sorry," I mumbled into his chest, "Where have you been?" I asked him once I had stopped crying.

"Seth's," he said and he pulled away from me so he could look at my face. His warm hand caressed my face and brushed some tears off of my cheek, "He's been helping me. Well as much as he can help in a week. He has a pack," he said and the smile he showed was watery.

"Wow," I said. The conversation all sounded so casual considering where we were standing, "Can we get out of here?" I whispered and he nodded.

We ran at inhuman speed down the steps and through the front door slamming it behind ourselves. Before I knew it we were standing in the woods, far enough away from the stale vampire stench. The air shimmered faintly as we were running and the russet wolf pulled a little ahead of me. He turned his head in a wolfy grin and sped away from me. I put on a burst of speed in order to keep up with him. I heard a low grumbling bark of a laugh ahead of me.

He must be taking me to Seth's. I follow him though I couldn't help myself when we started to race. Even though I didn't know where we were going, I was still so competitive. He slowed and I slowed next to him. He lifted his nose in the air and sniffed and I did the same. There was a herd of elk passing near by. My throat tingled at the warm sound of their hearts. My own heart thudded in my chest at the thought of Jacob hunting with me. This was the first time in years that he had hunted with me willingly.

He took off like a speeding bullet, his tongue lolled out of his mouth. I was disoriented for a second before I came to my senses and went tearing after him deeper into the woods. If there was a buck, it was mine. I pulled past him easily and I laughed out loud. I sniffed the air a little more before I sprinted up into a tree so I could watch the elk drinking from the little creek that ran through the forest.

There was a buck. I saw him and I tensed to spring on him from my tree. As I was falling, Jacob's warm body seemed to come out of nowhere and beat me to the buck, snapping it's neck and sending all the other elk in opposite directions. I fell on top of Jake and I pinned him to the ground. His fur melted away at my touch and I was left straddling a very naked Jacob.

"Sorry," I mumbled and I pulled myself up to remove myself from his body.

"No. Stay," he said and he pulled me against his naked chest. His warm hand cupped my cheek and his fingers tucked a lock of curls behind my ear, "You are never more beautiful than when you are hunting," he said. I blushed so fiercely I thought I would burn him from the heat.

He leaned up and closed the distance between the two of us and pressed his lips to mine. They tasted normal and soft, not like alcohol and drugs, which is how they had tasted the last time he had roughly pressed his lips to mine. His gentle lips pulled my apart and his tongue danced across my bottom lip.

"Jake," I whispered. I was panting and I was very aware of how naked he was underneath me.

"Nessie, I love you. I've always loved you. It's going to be a work in progress these next couple of months, years even, but one thing will never change and that's how much you mean to me," he said against my lips.

I pressed my lips into his again, renewed tears falling from my eyes. I knew that coming to Forks was a good idea.

**AN: You thought you were going to get the juicy stuff that easily? Hahahahahaha. JK love you guys. Maybe next chapter. Would you like to see it from Jake's POV? Or Nessie's? Or Both? I could probably do both :)**

**Love you all as always. Leave me pretty things :)**

**xoxoxWillow**


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